Do you find yourself having more and more arguments with your teenager? Do these arguments make situations worse instead of better? Do you want to know how to deal with your anger and conflicts constructively? Read on, to learn four effective steps to conflict resolution.
When people are angry, they usually believe they have the right to be. They think that they are right and their child is wrong. So when they talk about their anger, they tell their child to change. This can lead to defensiveness on the part of the child and can further escalate the problem. It’s important to remember that the aim is not to blame others or to justify anger; the objective is to help your child become more responsible and considerate of you. When your child understands you better, it’s easier for him/her to know what to do to avoid your disappointment. When you explain this respectfully and in a non-judgmental way, he/she will be motivated to do the right thing.
The following are four steps towards positive conflict resolution:
Step 1 – Plan talking time when you’re calm
Look for a suitable time to talk about your feelings. It usually doesn’t help to talk about your feelings if you feel very angry because the chance is that you will talk about your anger in a negative way. The Prophet, may peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said: ‘’…When one of you is angry, he should remain silent.’’ (Musnad Ahmed)
When you and your child are calm, you can initiate talking. You should take this initiative if you were the one who exploded with anger. This shows responsibility and remorse, which are characteristics of maturity. If you don’t take this initiative, your child may think you are careless about his/her feelings. Also, you might miss the opportunity to be a positive role model and teach your child how to resolve conflicts, positively. You can initiate talking by saying that you would like to talk and by asking when this is possible.
Step 2 – Avoid making judgments
To avoid defensiveness; it’s important to talk about your feelings and describe what lead to those feelings without making judgments. Perhaps you could say:
”When you are not home on time, I really get worried.”
or ”When you talk over me, I feel like what I say is not important.”
Instead of:
”You always arrive late, you don’t care about me being worried!
”You never let me finish talking! You don’t care about what I have to say!”
Step 3 – Set a good example
If you became angry because of what was said, you can set a good example by apologising. The more you specify your apologies, the more genuine they are likely to be perceived:
”Sorry for shouting at you. I really got worried when you stayed out so long because I didn’t know where you were.”
”I’m sorry for shouting and calling you irresponsible.”
Step 4 – Problem solve and come to an agreement
To avoid repetition of the argument, it’s important to agree on what you both find suitable for the future. If you were angry about your child arriving late, you can suggest what he/she can do in the future. This might be: coming on time, calling when running late et cetera. It is important to exchange ‘dialogue’ instead of conveying ‘monologue’. If you only tell your child what to do, it is likely he will become defensive. If you ask him/her what he/she can do, he/she will feel respected. He/she will also feel that he/she came up with the solution. These measures increase the chance that he/she will accept the agreement and stick to it.
‘’I want you to come on time next time. What can you do to come on time?’’
If your child continues to be late, you can give him/her another chance and add a consequence. You could say, for example: ‘’If you come late again, you can’t go to your friend for the week.’’
If he/she says that he/she missed the bus or something similar, you could ask him/her what lead to him/her missing the bus. If this is for a valid reason, you could ask him/her to call you when he/she is late so that you can anticipate it. If he/she gives an excuse for not being able to do that (like I don’t have credit), ask him/her for other things he/she could do (buy credit, use the phone of a friend et cetera) until you come to a reasonable agreement.
Sumber : Islam For Kids (Facebook)
When people are angry, they usually believe they have the right to be. They think that they are right and their child is wrong. So when they talk about their anger, they tell their child to change. This can lead to defensiveness on the part of the child and can further escalate the problem. It’s important to remember that the aim is not to blame others or to justify anger; the objective is to help your child become more responsible and considerate of you. When your child understands you better, it’s easier for him/her to know what to do to avoid your disappointment. When you explain this respectfully and in a non-judgmental way, he/she will be motivated to do the right thing.
The following are four steps towards positive conflict resolution:
Step 1 – Plan talking time when you’re calm
Look for a suitable time to talk about your feelings. It usually doesn’t help to talk about your feelings if you feel very angry because the chance is that you will talk about your anger in a negative way. The Prophet, may peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, said: ‘’…When one of you is angry, he should remain silent.’’ (Musnad Ahmed)
When you and your child are calm, you can initiate talking. You should take this initiative if you were the one who exploded with anger. This shows responsibility and remorse, which are characteristics of maturity. If you don’t take this initiative, your child may think you are careless about his/her feelings. Also, you might miss the opportunity to be a positive role model and teach your child how to resolve conflicts, positively. You can initiate talking by saying that you would like to talk and by asking when this is possible.
Step 2 – Avoid making judgments
To avoid defensiveness; it’s important to talk about your feelings and describe what lead to those feelings without making judgments. Perhaps you could say:
”When you are not home on time, I really get worried.”
or ”When you talk over me, I feel like what I say is not important.”
Instead of:
”You always arrive late, you don’t care about me being worried!
”You never let me finish talking! You don’t care about what I have to say!”
Step 3 – Set a good example
If you became angry because of what was said, you can set a good example by apologising. The more you specify your apologies, the more genuine they are likely to be perceived:
”Sorry for shouting at you. I really got worried when you stayed out so long because I didn’t know where you were.”
”I’m sorry for shouting and calling you irresponsible.”
Step 4 – Problem solve and come to an agreement
To avoid repetition of the argument, it’s important to agree on what you both find suitable for the future. If you were angry about your child arriving late, you can suggest what he/she can do in the future. This might be: coming on time, calling when running late et cetera. It is important to exchange ‘dialogue’ instead of conveying ‘monologue’. If you only tell your child what to do, it is likely he will become defensive. If you ask him/her what he/she can do, he/she will feel respected. He/she will also feel that he/she came up with the solution. These measures increase the chance that he/she will accept the agreement and stick to it.
‘’I want you to come on time next time. What can you do to come on time?’’
If your child continues to be late, you can give him/her another chance and add a consequence. You could say, for example: ‘’If you come late again, you can’t go to your friend for the week.’’
If he/she says that he/she missed the bus or something similar, you could ask him/her what lead to him/her missing the bus. If this is for a valid reason, you could ask him/her to call you when he/she is late so that you can anticipate it. If he/she gives an excuse for not being able to do that (like I don’t have credit), ask him/her for other things he/she could do (buy credit, use the phone of a friend et cetera) until you come to a reasonable agreement.
Sumber : Islam For Kids (Facebook)
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